Too Much Love
We all have seen the damage that a fractured parent-child relationship can cause. The long-term negative effects of physical or emotional deprivation can be disastrous for a child. But, in my experience dealing with singles and the singles crisis, it is also a problem to give our kids too much. Our children are more than loved, they are doted on, given everything they ever need and shielded from any kind of adversity and challenge. The problem is that our children are becoming adults with no resilience, no conflict resolution skills, no staying power and an exaggerated and inflated sense of self-importance.
Working with singles that are desperate to get married, I often try and see how they cope with life challenges outside of the dating world. My sad conclusion is so many people have very poor stress management skills, poor communication skills and close to zero conflict resolution skills.
The problem starts at a young age. Your mom repeatedly tells you that you are beautiful and smart. At school every child gets a trophy – we are afraid to let our children learn that not everyone can win every time. I recall when my son was 9 and he got an award at a chess championship for being the “15th most improved player.” Parents overly praise their kids for and tell them they are wonderful instead of focusing on effort, midot and good deeds.
Parents need to build their children’s character by giving them opportunities to contribute to their society and community. A child should be praised for visiting an elderly neighbor or picking up litter, not for being beautiful (whether he or she is actually beautiful or not). Not everyone is objectively as beautiful as their mom's think they are. In the real world, we are not all going to marry rich or get into Harvard but sadly parents allow their kids to believe they are perfect and deserve perfection in every aspect of their lives.
I recently consulted with a 50 year old who is not rich, famous or a model but he genuinely thinks he is perfect. The average girl believes she is a goddess and nothing less than Prince Charming is the equivalent pedigree